The Sad

I went to a restaurant
And ordered the sad.
It was the best sad
That I've ever had.

The salad had toppings
Of wife-left-me croutons,
And tranny-I-accident-
ly put the moves on.

The lettuce was weepy,
The dressing sucked ass,
Like really deep sadness
That may never pass.

The main course was splendid
Juicy but well-done,
A big slab of baseball
Coach groping my son,

The seasoning perfect,
A sprinkling of dill,
A sweet side of sobbing
And therapy bill.

It sits in the stomach,
But can't reach the ass,
Some real heavy sadness
You know just won't pass.

Though already bloated,
Dessert I did get:
A big fart that sounded,
Uh-oh! too wet.

Delicious, of course,
But I don't feel quite right.
This kind of whipped cream
Keeps you shitting all night.

I've become my Father

In hindsight I guess
that the lack of a dad
was the best motivator
that I ever had.

I traveled through time.
I built the machine.
Lord, my pockets were fat
But my record--too clean.

I wanted to go
to days fallen behind
to find the best tail
that one ever could find.

I started with cave-ass
and worked my way recent.
The things that I did
were completely indecent!

I boned through the ages,
gave Cleo the clap,
and Eva Braun's mouth
is where I took a crap.

I humped myself silly
but never did tire
And that's how it happened:
I am my own sire.

One day, after pleasing
an alien queen
made of lard, I desired
a booty more lean.

I went to the sixties,
crashed some hippy prom;
I danced with this babe
though I knew it was Mom.

Well, then things get hazy;
You see, we were plastered.
I vaguely recall
playing servant and master.

But when we came to,
we had trashed my machine!
...
I left in the night
so she'd not make a scene.

I hated to leave her
alone and with child,
but raising a kid?
That just isn't my style.

I'd rather leave Mom
and young-me a bit blue
Then clean my own spittle
And smell my own poo.

And though he'll end up
In an Oedipal mess
He'll first taste the best
Of all history's breasts!

Though many have said it
then sighed or then cried,
Becoming your father's
A pretty sweet ride.