Quality Cinema: "Brie Are The Champions"

For years, I’ve been waiting for a movie about cheese overcoming its tribulations. So I was very excited when I went to the theater to see "Brie Are The Champions"; I even bought the “extra-excited” popcorn, you know, the one that comes with a windshield. That’s how excited I was.

So I sit down, right? In the front row. Because I’m thinking, I have two choices: be near cheese, or be far from cheese. Some choice, right? So I’m in the front row, and I hear someone say to their girlfriend, or dad, or something: “I don’t even like cheese. I’m here for the Champions.”

That got me thinking, as I munched on my windshield. What if this movie has more to do with Champions than cheese? That’s not the film I paid to see. And then, what am I going to do about being in the front row? Sure I want to be near cheese, but not Champions; Champions are sweaty, and they can probably beat me up; otherwise, I’d be a champion, and I’m not. This one time, I tried to be a Champion. Didn’t happen.

The lights go out, and the previews start. They were okay, but no cheese. I sort of thought that they would think, wow, we’ve got the cheese-loving populace in front of the screen, let’s advertise some cheese-related cinema. But no. And now I’m panicking. Some of the previews alluded to winning, training, sweating, and other activities that are evocative of Champions. But none of them dealt with curdling, growing mold, or being in sandwiches! There will be no cheese in this movie, I think to myself. I should have watched the trailer first, I’m so stupid and I should have watched the trailer and there will be no cheese in this movie. And all of a sudden, I can’t feel my face.

As the cheeseless previews rolled by, one by one by one, I think I started to lose my cool. I kept thinking that if I could make a quick sacrifice to the pharaoh, he would rewrite the movie so that it’s about cheese. Then I said to myself, “Hey! You listen to me. You just sit here, and you—” but I didn’t get to finish, because the person behind me shushed me and kicked me in the back of the head.

I came to about a minute later, and the movie had already started. It turns out that it was, in fact, about cheese after all. Duh, really. I mean, come on: "Brie Are The Champions?" Duh.

The movie was decent, but the topless scenes were great.