Diseasy Like Sunday Mornin'

My cousin suffers from social anxiety disorder, a condition where you bust my lip open because you don't know any better. Ever since that day when I was five years old and she supposedly called dibs on the jungle gym on the ride over but I really don't think it counts if I didn't hear you say it, Tammy - since that day, I've known the true terror of disorders, diseases, syndromes, conditions, and their myriad, nigh-synonymous brethren.

And yet here we are, in the twenty-something^th century, and we still turn the other cheek while all these carcinojerks keep sicking it up like it's plague night at the Renaissance Faire! Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying that the sick are bad people per se, I'm just saying that cancer's probably contagious if you fall asleep with your hand on it.

Everything's a disease. You don't have stankmouth, you have halitosis; yep, your halito is inflamed, or something. Halito being the hole out of which your tongue farts, I guess. I'm not sure how it happens, I just know I was a lot happier before I knew that my toothpaste was medicine.

You got sick, huh? Whaddaya gonna do about it? Go to the hospital? Oh, sorry; didn't you hear? There's hospital disease now. Staph infection, they call it. Staph infection is basically like if the ceilings in dentists' offices periodically rained mouth-sized bowling balls. And sorry, buddy, but the "ph" at the end doesn't make it sound any less like vd.

For your consideration: flesh eating virus. Holy shit. The only illness that will kill you the same way as a bear. I guess on the seventh day of creation, God's mom wouldn't let him rest and was all like "You've gotta spruce up your diorama!" so he's like "I know; I'll make bears that are too small to shoot." Holy shit.

And let's stop it with the illness euphemisms, huh? "I have a cold." No you don't. Cold is an adjective, and you are not a lolcat. If a slight ailment is a cold, Stephen Hawking should go around telling people he's got a fuckin' freezing.

One time an ill-advised ladyfriend tried to turn me on by singing "You Give me Fever"; everything went hazy, and I woke up about an hour later on the sidewalk with half of her brain in my pocket.