Top Ten Reasons Why I'm So Healthy

10) Unprotected sex with cheap whores is great cardio.

9) Never calling your loved ones on their birthdays is an antioxident.

8) Wine is still good for your circulation even if you fill it with meth, butter, and porn.

7) Flintstones vitamins and Q rings, 3 meals a day.

6) Laughter is the best medicine and a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, so all ailments are promptly treated with Laffy Taffy injections.

5) Cigarettes are a vegetable.

4) Centuries of medical research extol the benefits of blood-letting and therefore My Chemical Romance, and I think Black Parade is the greatest album of our generation.

3) Yellow snow gots mad Vitamin A.

2) I once doinked this classy broad.

1) I am a genie.

(Uh-oh, I feel a sneeze coming on. Go get me my Bubble Tape tourniquet.)