Green is the new black and blue

I've showed you the numbers. Nothing. I've even written sad poems and printed out pictures of polar bears on small pieces of ice. Nothing. You've left me no choice.

I'm gonna kick your ass.

I will beat you into sustainability. I guess you don't care that your grandchildren will be drowned by a merciless mutant ocean, but let's see if you're so gung-ho about leaving the bathroom light on with my boot in your mouth. My carbon footprint is virtually nonexistant, but my regular footprint is very real, and your face is gonna find that out pretty soon if you don't back off the aerosols.

And I hope you weren't too attached to your tires. Totally slashed. I may have cut your break lines, too; I'm a little hazy on it, but just to be safe, you might want to run out and get a hybrid.

While you're at it, shut the damned furnace. It's not winter yet, pansy. If you think I'm gonna let all life on Earth perish because your weak ass can't handle 45 degree nights, I'll have to drop you like a sack of fertilizer. Fertilizer from nonindustrial cattle.

Leaving your computer on overnight is a great way to earn some bonus punts. I'll also slap you around extra for falling asleep with the TV on. Then I'll backhand you in the throat. I rather dislike you.

Plant some trees or I'll break your nose.
Write your congressman about wind power or I'll break it worse.
Recycle if you like not pissing blood.

You wouldn't listen to the scientists, so we can only hope you'll listen to my brass knuckles. Please be green, or I'll permanently eliminate the carbon emissions from your face - with an all-natural, cage-free ass whoopin'.